Irish sole trader


Well, I do and I don’t but if I can stop them from filling my inbox, I’ll be happier. Every day, folk like me will lecture/pontificate/advise our clients on ‘target audience’.

I often wonder about spammers. Who is their target audience? I tell clients all the time to picture their target demographic. Get a real feeling of who they are. If you’re a spammer, I imagine your ideal customer might write a letter to you like this…

Dear Dr Smith

Further to your recent correspondence, I was most flattered that you considered me and my overdrawn current account to be of sufficient strength and solvency to assist with your brother’s impending monetary transfer. The treatment of him by the authorities was shameful and you have come to the right person in me. I will not rest until your transaction is complete, your brother out of that torture unit in the Arctic ocean and you and your family are reunited, allowing you to complete your second PhD on ‘Orphanages and their Management’ in the ‘Universidad de livo’.

While initially I was sceptical and not sure who your colleague was who recommended me, as I am a sole trader in the Irish Midlands and have had no business experience in laundering money or helping fledgling freedom fighters or brokering multi-million-dollar natural resources deals, I soon came to my senses.   Then I remembered some old advice – ‘If it’s too good to be true, it probably is’…..sorry, no… I meant …‘Never look a gift horse in the mouth’.  And what a gift this appears to be!

10% of 31million dollars is not to be sniffed at. My only concern is the VAT and the foreign exchange permutations. Perhaps you can clarify in your next letter?

And the added extra of ‘500,000 barrels of oil’ is a truly generous gesture and I look forward to renovating my turf shed to accommodate their arrival. Your position as a civil servant who only wishes to do the best for your country is absolutely understandable and I salute your sovereign loyalty.

As a doctor, reverend, lawyer and accountant, I know I can trust you and look forward to working with you on this project. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards

Nat D Brihest

We know there are people taken in by spammers but I have yet to meet one*. It is fairly logical that if all these people were identified or at least demographically profiled, then spamming would stop for the rest of us…right!

So, my message for spammers is…know your audience. Think about all the people you’ve conned, find out more about them, target them and leave the rest of us alone. Imagine how much time you’ll save. You’ll increase efficiencies within your organisation and these extra resources will enable you to leverage your business unit going forward**.

Having said that, if you feel you are not getting the best out of your direct mail campaigns, a professional copywriter should be a priority.

*If you have been conned by a spammer, sorry, but …ah, come on now

**obligatory management-speak

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